Ma, for the first time in my life i hope for nothing. I pray for silence. To seep through my skin so my mind meet peace.
I don’t hope for happiness, for sorrow, for people to regret me, i dont hope for people, i dont wish for anyone’s skin, lips, and heart to moored on mine. Not anymore. I don’t wish for people to love me, to resent me. I wish for, i hope for nothing. Just nothing. Nothing happen to me is all i want. I need this blankness. Need it to swallow me whole. Maybe in those very void i can finally be safe. For i have searched every vessels and cores to find safety. But in you, Ma, in your palms is the ultimate incomparable security. In your palms, daffodils shed the sweetest pollens, nectarines are crimsoning happily, and all the worry in world never injure me.
Ma i wish you knew how much it takes to search for myself. To scramble through the abyss of desperation just to unify pieces of me.
There are words clumped in my throat and it’s clawing its way out. Waiting for me to dug my nails into my very cartilages and rip me open. I just wish you knew i’m trying not to give in.
I long for myself more than anything in the world. I had scraped every tissue off my skin, to find me again. Someone dear to you once. I thought i could harness losing my soul by finding love. But I should just look for you instead of roaming in the whirlwind of uncertainty. I am not brave anymore because of it, Ma. I’m no longer a kid knight with plastic sword and toy box armor. I’ve lost. I am losing. I’m losing myself.
Have i told you how tiring it is to beg for love, Ma? I have begged my whole life, I have been thirsty of it, one hundred thousand years of solitude just to wait for a single drop. But instead Ma, my belly is full of deception, empty vows and veiled soul. Let me tell you, Ma, what is crueler than life is love. Could i ever love again, Ma? For every bit parts of my heart have been disemboweled and taken to fill another belly. You were not wrong when you said men have the hungriest heart.
All i need is, Ma. All i need is to be sure i am loved. For someone, somewhere, to love me a little. Ma, if only i have known, if only I was enough with your love. Greed was the greatest monster sleeping under my flesh, one that is yet to yield.
Ma, there’s fate far worst than death. One that i just met. One that i’d rather have death over. Ma, would you hate me if i go, comeback to my Father? Would you still think blood is thicker than water? Would you give up this raw blood? Would you forgive me?
The tomb beneath my bare feet, Ma, is made off of brittle bones and blazing anger. But your kisses rebuild this tomb into home. One i shall come to when my last fire ceases to lit. And in your bone home i warm myself, your love rebrew my bitter ashes into soft sands above glimmering shore. And Ma, i need you. I need to hold on to you. God created wrath and mischief and agony but He created you as His purest apology.
Today, Ma, i unclasp the leash that binds me, letting the untamed devil tamed me. I’ll submit to acceptance. Whatever it takes to stop you from breaking to see me breaking.
Ma, the world is so unkind. Or am i the weak one? I wish i was stronger like waves hauling shores. But i cradled my crib whenever the sky falling off my shoulder.
I’ve been in a combat for too long, Ma. I howled, i scratched, i fisted the unimaginable. All for fool’s gold and false alarms. One painter once said that this sadness will last forever. If that so, Ma, i would never want to go through forever with any other soul but you. There’s no forever, Ma, im sure of it. I’ve done my quest. I have peaked inside the pot at the end of the rainbow, i have sat at the throne of the darlings and dearests, i have felt the desire burning so bright around the Orion belt, but alas no forever is found. Nothing lasts forever, Ma. Which is why i’ve made this nothingness my sole companion. Which’s why i wish for nothing.
But Ma, this nothingness is nothing without you. This nothingness is ours, Ma. It’s always been ours since God given me a place in your womb. I am sorry for you have given me your limbs only for me to break them into parts so that i could craft wings for another wandering soul, i am sorry for you have given me a heart of steel only to be forged into a metal shield for another wicked soul. Even if the last love disappear from the world tonight, Ma, i know i will always have you.
Someday, somewhere, the sun will shine on us again, Ma. But right now, i shall sleep.
I shall rest my head upon your lap.
Off i sail to the embrace of a kinder sea.
