/Trigger Warning/Suicide
It felt wrong to be sad all the time, I think. it’s wrong, if not a sin, if not a crime.
It felt wrong to be sad while scooping on raspberry frozen yoghurt that I bought for only 2$ because it’s on sale.
It feels wrong to be sad on midsummer Friday night in which there’s a festivity down town, not far from the shitty place that I live. I can hear faint chuckle, and laugh, and joy just outside this wall. It’s probably the Wongs who live next door, headed to the town square. Their door rattles, the father murmured something in Cantonese, sound like hurrying the children. And then footsteps. Footsteps, walking away and away.
And then there’s silence again.
The adults probably already set at the bar or the club, whilst the family, one like the Wongs, are either at the town square, or just snuggle up on their family couch, watching whatever is aired on TV.
I scoop one big chunk of yoghurt, ignoring my brain freeze. Hoping at least the cold centered me again to the real world where my mind had too long wandered. I used to love the fake happiness that food gives. I used to love many things in the past. Myself included.
There’s this woman on tv, talking. A talk show, it seemed like. The woman is now standing, followed by the swarm of applause bursting. I look closer to how enchanting she was. She was bright. Like a pearl dazzling in the sun.
I used to be bright. I was an honorary student, class’ most talented, varsity captain. I was the most precious in the prairie of lavish gems. Now, now I sat alone in this filthy place, knees folded, eating the only thing I can afford paid by minimum wage I got from the shittiest job I’m skilled at.
I tossed the yoghurt cup on the trash. And scream to myself.
what is wrong with me, you may ask.
Nothing’s wrong. Just a shitty life.
It’s ten past ten now. The building is completely silent. I want to do something, dinner, perhaps or laundry. Or anything to stop me starring at my phone screen which is now beeping. Gleaming in the dark. I don’t bother to turn on the light. What for. So far only cost a lot to my electricity bill. But my phone keeps chiming. It was a call from my mom.
My dear loving mother.
I knew the moment I hit answer she’ll drag me to the same question, the same expectation, the same worry, the same hope. Sorry, Mother. For not being the best daughter. Sorry, Mother. I can’t live this life a lot longer. I wish, Mother. I wish you were mean to me, abandon me, the exact same way I did to you instead of giving me this abundance of pure love I could never repay.
Someone’s honking the horn outside. Tires screeching. It’s the third time in a week a cycler got hit by a car.
What do I do in this life? what do I do now? I don’t want to watch tv anymore, don’t want to eat, don’t want to talk to people, don’t wanna live.
I’m covered in dirt. My smell is pungent. Like I just dance with 2 days old corpse full of maggots. I once scrapped the hell out of my skin, but nothing came off. My body is not dirty. My life is. This appartement, this job, this shitty life.
Bath.
I used to like bath. But everything became clearer in bath recently. Like everything just washed off. And it became clearer to me that I want to sink in it longer. Longer. Until I’m suffocated and gone. But the warm water embraced me gently. Soft like my mother’s arms. I’m safe in the bath. I know I’m always safe. Just not safe from my own thought.
I held my breath under the water.
I used to imagine myself as a mermaid. A graceful beautiful mermaid. With her hair floating shiny under the sunlight that is birching through the ocean. Skin’s flourishing, pinkish like beach sand but glimmers gold under the sunset. I still wished I was one. But I am more like a siren. A dark, violent mythical creature who lured fishermen to their demise. I didn’t lure anybody. I can’t even attract average things in life. Let alone good things. Let alone a man. All I do, all this hands do is destroy, destroy, destroy.
Everything is easily disintegrating in my two hands.
I wished that this world is not bigger than my bath tub. Not bigger than a pond. So, I could still swim in it without afraid of getting drowned. But this whole wide world, it’s even bigger than the ocean. It’s too much. It’s crushing.
Maybe I should just submerge deeper.
But the bell is ringing
The bell is ringing. Ringing and then someone’s knocking at my door. It’s louder now.
Too bad, I’m starting to feel comfortable with not breathing. But I rose up from the water just like a freshly baptized sinful peasant. Coughing multiple times before rubbing my face frantically. I can’t die. I will not die today.
I got up, put my coat on as I walked out from the bathroom. The knock is getting impatient. I take a look once again at my bathwater. I can still hear her calling me. Calling my death. But the knock outside is louder. I took a deep breath and walk away as I yelled
One second, I’m coming.
